Go Hard On The Problem, Soft On The Person: How To Break The Cycle Of Abrasive Leadership In 5 Steps
Override The Hardwired Threat-Anxiety-Defense (T-A-D) System
“Don't push us, 'cause we're close to the edge. We're trying not to lose our heads.” - Ma$e & Diddy
A Long Time Ago, In A Workplace Far, Far Away...
Imagine a version of Star Wars: The Force Awakens in which Domhnall Gleeson’s General Hux organizes an intervention for Adam Driver’s Kylo Ren, urging the abrasive leader to undergo a regimen of therapy, executive coaching, and anger management training. Though it might make for a half-decent sitcom, it would certainly make for a very short and lackluster movie.
The reality of abrasive leadership in the modern workplace can be cinematic: leaders and their employees get caught up in dramatic adversarial cycles, dreaming and scheming each others’ demise until an inevitable firing, flare-up, or falling out. Just type “My boss is…” into any search engine and let the autofill prompts reveal to you what the average employee thinks of their leader; on average, negative search results outweigh positive ones by at least 400%!
Like Kylo Ren, an abrasive leader is an individual with authority whose behavior causes distress in coworkers. They disrupt the harmony within the organization and result in massive damages—sometimes, it’s just that they "rub their coworkers the wrong way." Other warning signs include:
Continual complaints brought by coworkers, clients, customers, or patients.
Employees attempting to transfer out of a department or avoiding transfers into it.
Increased attrition, sick leave, and the potential for legal action.
Covert cautions from coworkers, warning others to avoid the abrasive leader.
Excessive managerial time spent addressing employee distress.
Leadership losing credibility due to a lack of intervention, which is perceived as weakness or tacit approval of the behavior.
To break free from adversarial cycles, we must first address the core problem of abrasive leadership: the inadequacy of our hardwired threat response system.
Fight, Flight, Or Figure It Out
Abrasive behavior is a manifestation of our hardwired Threat-Anxiety-Defense (T-A-D) system. When individuals perceive a threat to their competence, it triggers anxiety, leading to one of two defensive behaviors: fight or flight. This dynamic plays a crucial role in understanding why abrasive leaders behave the way they do.
Research shows that abrasive leaders often lack awareness of the nature and impact of their behaviors. And their intent isn’t necessarily malevolent but driven by a desire to "do what it takes to get the job done." These leaders may feel threatened and employ aggression and intimidation as a defense mechanism.
But what these leaders think isn’t always true: their habits aren’t set in stone. Employees can play a starring role in breaking the adversarial cycle by choosing to be hard on the problem versus hard on the person:
By assuming ignorance before malevolence, employees unlock a constructive alternative to fighting or fleeing their boss: they can help them own their mistakes and change their behavior. And when it’s worth doing, here’s how it can be done:
5 Steps To Break The Cycle
One of the main antagonists of my story is an abrasive ex-boss. A series of miscommunications locked us into a vicious adversarial cycle that contributed to my burnout as well as their unceremonious exit.
In hindsight, I could’ve thwarted our unfortunate cold war by urging them to figure it out instead of fighting and fleeing. When staging an intervention with your abrasive boss, here’s how to be hard on the problem and soft on the person:
1. Maintain Unconditional Positive Regard
Carl Rogers, the father of client-centered therapy, introduced the concept of Unconditional Positive Regard, which involves showing empathetic understanding and acceptance. Studies in organizational psychology support the idea that a lack of judgment can create an environment conducive to change. Start your intervention by expressing a combination of compassion and optimism.
Example: "I want to have a candid conversation with you, but it's important for you to know that I value you as a person and a professional. My aim is constructive, not critical."
2. Present Clear Evidence
The Feedback Intervention Theory suggests that specific, actionable feedback is more likely to lead to behavioral change than vague or general comments. Pull out the receipts when the abrasive leader seems prepared to receive feedback.
Example: "I've noticed a pattern in team meetings where interruptions often occur, impacting the flow of ideas. Here are some examples with dates and times for context."
3. Set Limits and Consequences
According to the Social Learning Theory, setting boundaries and laying out consequences for actions can lead to behavioral change through observational learning and outcome expectations. As the abrasive leader becomes aware of the consequences of their bad behavior, reiterate to them why it must stop.
Example: "If these behaviors continue, it will be difficult for the team to collaborate effectively. Moving forward, how can we establish boundaries to prevent this?"
4. Offer Help
Studies show that mentoring and coaching prove effective in leadership development, so much so that executive coaching is set to become a $27.5 billion industry by 2026. Recommend mentoring and coaching to the abrasive leader as a normal and even desirable solution.
Example: "Would you be open to exploring some coaching or mentorship opportunities? Many leaders find it a helpful way to gain new perspectives."
5. Create a Path to Redemption
Workplace reintegration programs—the more collaborative, the better—have been found to decrease turnover and increase employee satisfaction. Co-create a clear sequence for the abrasive leader’s transformation.
Example: "What steps can we take collectively to foster a more inclusive and productive work environment? Perhaps a roadmap to help everyone transition to better practices would be helpful."
Hard Problems, Harder Compassion
What if you’re dealing with a more extreme form of an abrasive leader—someone destructive? Can you still be hard on the problem and soft on the person? Yes, but you’ll need to be extra hard on the problem and extra soft on the person. It’s a longer and harder road, but it’s not unprecedented. Whether it’s an abrasive leader or a destructive leader, the goal is to gain psychological insight into their behavior and its impact and then produce meaningful change.
Unconditional positive regard is what employees expect from their leaders. Employees can and should extend the same to them. As much as I want to hate my abrasive ex-boss, I must remember that they were also once a baby.
Ultimately, breaking the cycle of abrasive leadership requires understanding the underlying causes of abrasive behavior and implementing effective intervention strategies. When we see that bad behavior is often rooted in anxiety, we can co-create respectful and compassionate solutions to foster a more productive and harmonious work environment. While it isn’t an employee’s job to be their boss’ coach or therapist, it’s in everyone’s best interest that we communicate our boundaries and stop tolerating abrasive behavior at all levels.
The next time you find yourself in an adversarial cycle, remember to be hard on the problem and soft on the person.